Pulitzer Prize winner Dr. Brittany Broski hired as art history lecturer

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MD Ph.D. Dame Brittany Broski, winner of the Pulitzer prize for her podcast “The Broski Report” as well as the Supreme Leader of Broski Nation, will be joining the MSU School of Arts’ faculty in the fall of 2024 as a guest lecturer. She specializes in the literary history of One Direction fanfiction circa 2013, as well as the artistic history of Pablo Picasso and Francisco Goya. 

“I’m very much looking forward to joining the faculty,” Broski said in her interview with The Excrement. “As a form of intimidation, I’m promising to bring a green bean casserole — made with my family’s secret recipe — to the class that ends the semester with the highest test scores.”

Art student Greta Herwig, (no relation) was ecstatic at the news. “I think the School of Art could really use some aggression,” they said. “Supreme Leader Broski strikes fear into all those that follow her, but there is something in her intimidation tactics that is almost… magnetic.”

“I heard she’s dating Robert Downey, Jr.,” Herwig’s classmate, Tryxee Metal said, overhearing the conversation. 

“The White House just released a press release saying that she’s also been appointed the U.S. ambassador to the U.K.,” a third classmate added, who requested to be anonymous on matters of diplomatic immunity.

In addition to her political ambitions and expertise in academia, Broski has been very open about her close friendship with American astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

“She has a brilliant mind,” Tyson said about her in a New York Times interview, speaking from a dark room, which he insisted was not her basement. “And her smile… all those teeth… of which she has a completely normal, human amount.”

Broski and Tyson met, so the story goes, in an Erewhon in Los Angeles in the summer of 2021, when she was buying exactly three carrots and he was buying a quinoa-pear salad. Over the next year, they co-wrote a book, entitled, “Bright Pink Square,” a commentary on abstractism and the beautiful, mathematically sound chaos found in the far shadows of the universe. The book was dedicated to the late astronomer Carl Sagan, reading, “haha get rekt looser” on the inside cover.

“I think [MSU]is a really great school,” Broski said in her interview. “Did you know it also has a great location with proximity to the Air Force missile launch silos dispersed across the central part of the state?”

She continued, smiling wide with her completely normal, human amount of teeth. “I’m joking, silly! I want to mold the impressionable minds of the young adults on this campus into academics. An echo of myself.”

Broski added that though she will share a classroom with another professor, she will decorate it to her liking, with bean bags and large, glittery maps of the U.S. She also emphasized the use of her first paycheck to buy a life-sized cardboard cutout of the Mandalorian from the acclaimed Disney+ original show.

While some parents and faculty members across the MSU community have expressed concern over the hiring of Broski on account of her past affiliations with the Sith and her time as a deep-cover agent in Central Asia, the School of Art’s hiring community simply shrugged at a meeting with school administration.

Hiring executive Brambleton “Foogly Woogly” Fazbear, ended the meeting when he said, “Supreme Leader Broski will be an excellent addition to the MSU community. She is a very merciful woman.”