Satire: Let’s duckin’ go huntin’ by the pond

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

It was announced on Thursday, March 24, that a hunting season for the mallards that reside in the MSU Duck Pond will become legal this fall.

The Montana State Campus Small Game and Waterfowl Hunters Association (MSCSGWHA) voted on and passed legislation allowing for 15 tags to be auctioned off only to students and staff. The Excrement spoke to MSCSGWHA President Robin “The Goose'' Eagleton on the matter. “I predict the tags to go for anywhere around $2,500 to $3,000 apiece,” he said. When asked why the tags were estimated to sell so high, Eagleton explained, “these birds are in a prime spot and are friendlier than most dogs, nobody should have trouble filling their tag.”

MSU Police have cautioned students and staff to avoid walking near the pond during early mornings and to steer clear of blinds hunters may be camped in. Avid bird hunter Shaw McDingle gave the Exrement his best advice for students with classes nearby, “People like myself plan on spending a good chunk of money on these tags, if some student shuffles in front of my blind while trying to catch his 8 a.m. class I’m going to lose it.” When asked what he was doing to prepare, McDingle whispered “I’ve been feeding those ducks my wife’s cornbread for the past 15 years, I’m enrolling again in the fall semester just to snag a tag.”

A free bird cleaning station will be open and free for use in the back left of Gaines Hall Room 101. MSU’s Secretary of Student Well-Being, April Quail, clarified the reasoning behind this decision was to ensure the cleaning of birds would not take place in bathrooms: “Gaines 101 is full of freshmen anyway, and I’m pretty sure the kids in the back are asleep for the most part.”

Joanne Silverton, an interior design student, is very concerned with the possibility of hunting accidents with the passing of this new legislature. “I feel like nobody is using common sense, the only shotguns I want to see involve Coors Light and Friday nights. If this is really happening, I plan on dropping out.” Silverton told the Excrement that when she voiced her opinions via email, she received a package that contained a box of tissues and a bus ticket to Missoula.

Other students are looking at this with a more positive attitude, Bobby Dangle, a freshman in North Hedges, has already created a system to make duck jerky from his dorm room. “My window is facing the sun for most of the day, so I installed a rack and I’m going to hang strips from there,” he said. Dangle admitted his roommate wasn’t too thrilled with the idea but gave him the go-ahead when promised 10% equity in “Bobby Dangle’s Jerky.”

While hunters are already preparing for this exciting change of events, the law still needs to go through the Gallatin Recreational In-Town Zones Society United for Knowledge (GRIZSUK) before everything is set in stone. Regardless of how you feel on the matter, MSU is now replacing the mask mandate with a safety glasses mandate.