Ski bum employed (for first time ever) in drug enforcement

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Recent MSU graduate and self-proclaimed ski bum Brogan ‘Pow’ Shredder is now the first University president of safety and drug enforcement. According to him, he is stoked to lead this new department and protect his fellow Bobcats.

Shredder graduated from MSU in 2024 with a business degree and — according to him — an unofficial degree in snow science. He said he has no background in the safety enforcement side of drugs, but a stellar recommendation from his dad, University Police Department (UPD) Chief of Police Parker Shredder, got him the position.

“I’ve spent the last two years just hanging around, really. It was hella chill,” Shredder said. “I spent a lot of time traveling and couch surfing so that I could ski. I’m so stoked to be back at MSU and that they were able to make up this position for me.”

Shredder’s new role is to protect students at MSU by educating them on the dangers of drugs and alcohol and confiscating any illegal substances.

“When I applied for the position, I thought there was no way I was getting it,” Shredder said. “The University told me that my insights on student culture would be helpful for the job. I have no idea what that means. I’m hype about it, though.”

Shredder has quite the history with drugs, for better or worse. He has — allegedly — been caught smoking on campus in the past, but according to the MSU Human Resources Office, the past is the past.

“When I was a student here, I had so much fun,” Shredder said. “I mean, I didn’t really go to class that much, but it worked out. I just want to make sure everyone can enjoy it as much as I did.”

Safety is Shredder’s top priority, though. According to him, he always makes sure the park is clear before he sends anything, for his safety and the safety of others.

“My goal for this job is just to keep kids away from drugs and stuff,” Shredder said. “I think I have to teach, like, anti-drug classes, so everyone should totally sign up. It’ll be so chill, trust.”

This position was created because of MSU's ongoing issues with drug use and other unsafe behaviors on campus. Recent reports from the UPD indicate a 30 percent increase in calls this semester alone.

“We have been getting many notices from students and faculty about illegal activities on campus,” UPD officer Daniel Copperson said. “We needed a quick solution, so it was really convenient that [Shredder] was available.”

The Human Resources Office decided that the best solution was to get a man on the inside and figure out what is going on around campus, according to a press release sent out this week.

“Shredder seemed like the perfect candidate for the position,” said MSU’s Head Hiring Manager Tony Halbert. “Also, his dad told us we had to hire him because he really needed to get a job.”

The Human Resources Office stated that it has full trust in Shredder and cannot wait to see what he does with the position, according to this week’s press release.

“It’s a lot of pressure, man,” Shredder said. “I mean, it can’t be that hard, right? I just tell a bunch of kids that drugs are bad. I so got this.”