Taco Hell has Bozeman residents feeling all types of ways

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Bozeman is known as a thriving metropolis where the student loans are high and the Taco Hell employees are higher. Taco Hell’s grip on Bozemanites is tangible — with three locations spread across the area, the chain has become a go-to spot for a late-night snack. After all, it’s one of the only fast food restaurants in Bozeman that’s open past 1 a.m. 

Three local Taco Hells are keeping Bozeman residents fed, frustrated and mysteriously loyal, despite their universally low ratings and the high levels of existential dread associated with every crunch of a taco. A popular stop for inebriated college students, food delivery services and those with stomach issues, Bozeman’s Taco Hells receive quite a bit of foot traffic.  

Despite its popularity, Taco Hell’s local reputation is mixed, with each location rated only 1.8 out of five stars on Indeed. Still, many residents defend the chain, claiming that its signature “flavor” is what makes it an invaluable part of Bozeman’s food scene. From the allure of a crunchy beef taco to the questionable clientele, the question remains: Can Bozeman ever truly shake its love for Taco Hell, despite its many shortcomings? 

Part of that 1.8-star rating may come from the common digital consensus about the value of this chain. On the Reddit thread r/Bozeman, user Pissed_Off247 posted, “[Taco Hell is] supposed to be a low cost, calorie high, late night, reliable meal. You are none of those right now. Know. Your. Place. Bozeman Taco Hell.” Evidently, this frustration is held by MSU students, too. 

“I can’t believe they took nacho fries away. It’s absolutely unacceptable,” said freshman Edith Alott. 

Although there are a plethora of complaints about Taco Hell's service online and in the community, some people have grown to appreciate the fast food chain. “You don’t go to Taco Hell for Mexican food. You go to get Taco Hell. It’s its own flavor,” said MSU senior Backous Bigg.

This unique “flavor” is often described by Taco Hell workers at the Main Street location as “sodi-yum, heartburn and missing your ex.” Bozeman Taco Hells are also always looking for new employees due to their tendency to rage-quit when confronted with Taco Hell fiends in the drive through. 

“We’re literally always hiring. Please apply,” said Gallatin Valley Mall Taco Hell manager Kell Yousef. According to Indeed, Taco Hell in Bozeman will pay 18 to 25 dollars per hour, more than all the University Student Housing jobs listed on MSU’s website.

However, each Taco Hell location is consistently packed with budding alcoholics, divorced dads and delivery drivers speaking another language, explained Yousef. 

“Sometimes I can’t believe it,” said GrubHub driver Haidt Mijob. “These students are paying me to deliver them dog food and glow-in-the-dark sugar juice.” Mijob proceeded to extrapolate these distressing levels of consumption in rapid-fire Spanish asa single tear ran down his cheek. 

Yousef shared a similar level of frustration towards Taco Hell over-consumption as he was recently fired for psychotic behavior following a young man’s order of 35 crunchy beef tacos.

“I think I crashed out,” he said. “I looked at this guy in his silver Subaru Crosstrek, listening to “Sleeping Alone” by Flatland Cavalry and ordering 35 f*cking tacos and I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

Whether or not Taco Hell can provide satisfactory service for customers is still up in the air. It’s considered by the New York Post as a “front-runner in healthy fast-food restaurants,” though “runner” might be a foreign term to most Taco Hell patrons. 

Even if it’s not considered healthy or delicious by some, Taco Hell holds a special place in the hearts of the patriotic. “It tastes like liberty,” said MSU student Ima Merican. So maybe that’s enough to justify three Taco Hell locations within 10 miles of each other.

To seek help for your Taco Hell addiction, go to https://www.montana.edu/counseling/.