The ultimate college smackdown to become the true MSU

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Tensions are high. The people are rioting. Justice has been demanded. A victor must be named. There can only be one true MSU.

As you may know, there are three MSU campuses: Montana State, Michigan State, and Mississippi State, each dubbed MSU. Now, understandably, one may not think this is a big deal. However, they obviously have never Googled, "Best places to cry at MSU '' and got results relating to Michigan or Mississippi resulting in a swift log off and lingering feelings of frustration and sadness.

In response to this epidemic, the brave ASMSU representatives from each academic department   forfeited their spring breaks, a time designed for rest and relaxation, to fight for our honor and title of the one and only MSU.

After years of unrest within the campuses, Montana State University, Michigan State University, and Mississippi State University student governments came together to discuss the possibility of a name change to ensure search engine optimization for each campus. However, after weeks of deliberation, nothing had been agreed upon, and a battle of physical strength and wit was declared. The neutral territory of Nebraska was decided upon, and the battle continued.

To represent each team in the athletics department, a star athlete from the leading sport was chosen to participate. Naturally, our very own "Touchdown" Mommy Tellott crushed Mississippi freshman baseball pitcher Juan Cottrell in the zorbing obstacle course as the Mississippian was seemingly hit by the altitude which  slowed his game.

For those unaware of this particular sport, zorbing is a recreational activity that involves rolling downhill inside a large, transparent, plastic ball. Think of a very large hamster ball.

Michigan State star ice hockey goalie Travis St. Claire held out longer and quickly formed a defense. St. Claire used his expert reflexes to dodge and weave around the obstacles. However, that classic hockey temper soon showed, and he promptly went tactical, trying to knock Tellott off the course. St. Claire soon lost control and could not right himself enough to finish the course. As a result, Tellott completed the course and won a point for Montana State.

One can not simply be dubbed the ultimate MSU based solely on their athletic ability, but also the top-tier education each university offers.

The representatives of each school of engineering competed in a grueling battle of intellect and wit by working to build the strongest bridge made entirely of  different types of pasta and marshmallows. The goal was to create the longest and strongest bridge to cross the Natural Hot Springs.

The engineers set to work building their bridges. They worked tirelessly, twisting and shaping the noodles, connecting them with the soft and fluffy marshmallows. The first bridge to be completed was Michigan; however, because they finished before the others, the judges had yet to arrive, and soon the noodles started to cook from the steam and collapsed into the water below.

Representatives from Montana State built a more complex bridge, complete with a suspension system. The bridge looked pretty imposing, but unfortunately, the noodle choice of spaghetti could have been better as the suspension portion of the bridge started cooking first and lost strength during the judging portion.

Mississippi chose to use penne to build their bridge which added a creative aspect to the bridge but also stayed al dente, resulting in a win for Mississippi.

In the third portion of the competition, the business students whipped out their school supplies of Crayola crayons, and the coloring competition began.

The rules were simple: each student had to color a picture of a ptarmigan. The Bobcats started strong with sharp strokes of the crayon and knew what a ptarmigan was, Michigan was quick behind.

The student reps of Mississippi looked around, needing clarification about what on earth they were supposed to be drawing. Maybe they were confused by the silent p? Mississippi's final product was something looking more like a bear than a rock grouse; which resulted in disqualification.

Even though the state of Michigan doesn't have ptarmigans, the student’s submission was incredibly detailed. The Spartans took some creative liberties by coloring their ptarmigan entirely in shades of black and gray with an addition of the white chest of the bird in the shape of a tie. This was their explanation of how it was a "business bird" and represented the serious side of the competition, resulted in a hysterical win for Michigan.

With the tie, tensions were high, and the big guns were brought forward. Each mascot took center stage to display its best lip-syncing skills in classic James Cameron late-night show fashion.

Songs were sung, splits were landed (resulting in pants being ripped), and the cheer team of background dancers shined. The musical delights of “Wrecking Ball,” “Single Ladies” and “Wannabee” filled the ears of all participating, resulting in quite an entertaining fiasco. However, the celebrations and laughter died down during a riveting performance by our very own Champ, who performed the Spice Girls' song, ”Wannabe.” At the song's bridge, Michigan State's mascot Sparty suddenly launched onto the stage and tackled Champ.

However, this was not the most surprising part of the event because when Champ tumbled into the ground with Sparty, the mascot's head rolled off to reveal…. Pat Rule. Yes, you read that right. Pat from the Montana State Bookstore has been the acting Champ and uses the bookstore job as a cover. Looking back, her cat eye makeup has been giving us clues for years now.

Immediately following Pat’s reveal, Sparty immediately hopped up and apologized profusely. In response, all three mascots decided collectively to finish the song together, each taking on the role of a different Spice Girl. I must say, Emma Bunton should be proud of their performance.

In the end, Montana State University was dubbed as the one true MSU. In the weeks following the competition, Google changed its search algorithm to represent the hierarchy of MSU. The new search results should be effective April 1.