University Fails to Address Living Statues Maiming Students

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

After the clock struck midnight last Thursday, movements not quite human were seen surrounding Montana Hall. A week has since passed, yet each night two mysterious creatures inflict grave deeds on the university and its students.

A press release will be issued next week covering these outrageous crimes. Likely, MSU seeks to promise reform while waiting out the incoming media storm. In less than a year no one will remember the fact that the statues of MSU are coming alive at night to terrorize the campus. 

No one is questioning the cold, hard fact that the statues around campus are coming alive at night. A metallic rendition of Abraham Lincoln was seen handing out minor in possession tickets on South 11th Avenue. He even had an issued police vest. When questioned, the ex-president stated that he began his training in 2018, the day he arrived at the university. Somehow Lincoln believes that just because he created the territory of Montana in 1864, he is able to dish out that founding father-type justice. Lincoln is able to act as a nightly unpaid officer and manager of parking facilities. After all, you can’t file a complaint or hunt down a statue. 

There is also the possibility of the statue being used to embezzle millions of dollars worth of money through offshore bank accounts given that he is untraceable and formally dead. 

While Lincoln being a sentient police and parking facilities worker is far scarier, Spirit the bronze Bobcat is also on the loose. A steady decline in the duck population and a severe increase in hospital visits via bobcat attack leaves some scathing evidence for the possibility. Lincoln confirmed these initial findings in an interview. We also asked what role Spirit played in Big University's plan because his own role seemed so obvious. Lincoln said, “it is simple natural selection. For Montanans, this is simply how it has always been. It was resoundingly normal to fend off bobcats on a nightly stroll back when I was a young boy in Kentucky.” 

After being sufficiently gaslit by the former U.S. president, it became increasingly obvious that these systemic issues may not change. Spirit is contributing toward hiking up pharmaceutical prices in the Bozeman area aiding in lining the pockets of the bourgeoisie, and MSU has found a way to enforce parking twenty-four hours a day. 

Big Pharma has employed a Bobcat to expand their clientele and increase the amount of narcotics in the Bozeman community. These statues are simply working to maintain the bottom line of the rich and students are taking the brunt of the tickets and attacks. 

The university's response to these problems has been minimal to non-existent. Time and time again, an email will be sent out with the emotional apathy of a steel — non-sentient —statue. 

In the wake of this information, expect nothing to change. Students might be encouraged to purchase MSU-branded spray paint and trauma kits from the campus store so that they may enjoy their nightly stroll in falsified peace. I see the administration using this as a money-grabbing opportunity rather than a way to institute change. The severity of the university’s response to this issue is truly reliant on its students making an uproar; however, as those who experienced and remember the disjustice graduate, all progress will be lost. Maybe for the next few months. the statues will not awaken. However, they will eventually walk again at midnight. When they do, it will become the burden of another student body, and then another.