Wait, there's a ‘Cat in the cupola?

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

According to an MSU urban legend, an oblivious cow was once led up the stairs of Montana Hall to the cupola, the big phallic structure atop the building. This year marks the 100th anniversary of this alleged heinous crime against cows, and this spring semester, some students decided to replicate the infamous event.

On a seemingly normal Monday morning, students, staff and faculty noticed that the statue in front of Montana Hall — the one honoring our esteemed mascot, Spirit — was missing.

Nathan Kahoot, a sophomore resident assistant for Johnstone Hall, said he sees the bronze statue every morning on his stroll to Rendezvous Dining Hall.

“I literally couldn't believe it was gone at first,” Kahoot said. “My friends and I were joking that the MSU pisser had gone too far, but turns out it was just dragged up the hill.”

Shortly after hearing the report, the Excrement deployed a reporter to conduct boots-on-the-ground journalism and venture out to the front of Montana Hall to witness the commotion.

The reporter reported that all that remained of the statue was the empty rock Spirit had sat on, while deep drag marks that damaged the concrete led right up the stairs of Montana Hall.

Shercat Bobbles, a lead detective from the University Police Department, who sported a monocle and kept rubbing his impressive handlebar mustache, said that, after a thorough investigation, they had located Spirit.

“We got on our hands and knees and followed the drag marks all the way to the ill-fated cupola,” Bobbles said. “I knew we were on the right track after I licked the drag marks and tasted the familiar penny aftertaste from the statue. Make no mistake, we will find the perpetrators and prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.”

For Tim Business, a professor in the English department, this ordeal was a major blast from the past. Business was a student at MSU when the cow was brought into the cupola almost 100 years ago.

“All I could think was, ‘Jesus f-cking Christ, not again,’” he said. “The guys who brought the cow up at least had the decency to let someone know. There was a manhunt for this goddamned statue.”

Once Bobbles located Spirit in the cupola, the problem became getting the statue back down. There were attempts made to get it back via the stairs, but just like the cow, it couldn’t be done.

The Excrement was able to connect with the students who moved the statue. The perpetrators agreed to an interview if they could remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation from the administration, and specifically out of fear of Bobbles.

“We decided to do this because we heard about the urban legend,” said one of the students, who requested to be referred to as Big Dawg. “It happened about 100 years ago and so we wanted to do something to celebrate it.”

Big Dawg said that they had thought Spirit could be brought down the same way it was brought up, and that the statue getting stuck up there was not at all part of the plan.

“Before we knew that the statue wouldn't be able to come back down the stairs, we thought we would be fine because the statue was not attached to the rocks very well,” Big Dawg said. “It was maybe superglued at most.”

Because they were unable to get Spirit back down the stairs, MSU staff had to resort to the prior cow-removal method: bringing down the entire cupola with a crane.

University President Brick Testman commented on the situation. “This is a diabolical situation to happen during my first year,” he said. “It was an extremely hard decision to make, but in the end, bringing down the cupola was our only option.”

Spirit was removed from Montana Hall on the morning of Sunday, March 29 and reattached to the podium — this time with Gorilla Glue instead of Winco-brand super glue.

When Bobbles caught wind that the Excrement knew the identities of the alleged assailants, he showed up outside our office door and stared daggers at the Editor-in-Chief until she put up a poster of Jason Momoa to block the view.

“That guy is f-cking crazy,” she said, watching as Bobbles went next door to the Women’s Center to continue his one-sided staring contest through a shared window looking into both offices.

According to Testman, there is currently no plan to put the cupola back up, leaving the top of Montana Hall — and his office — exposed to the elements.

“You have all lost cupola privileges," he said, on the verge of tears. “This is why we can’t have anything nice.”

A mourning service for the cupola will be held on Sunday, April 5, at 5:34 p.m. The yummy confetti cake from the dining halls will be provided.