Welcome to Corgi Country

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Last week in a Montana University System (MUS) Board of Regents meeting, MSU President Crawded Coolzado proposed a movement to officially change MSU’s mascot from the well-loved — yet old and tired — Champ the Bobcat to the students’ beloved, short-legged friend, Butters the Corgi. Met with an unanimous in-favor vote from the Board, the change is expected to take place immediately, with renovations across campus to occur over the upcoming summer break.

Citing a wave of unexplained feral bobcat attacks in the local area, Coolzado said she thought it was the perfect time to “jazz things up with Butters the Corgi.” For the past year, Butters has stolen the hearts of MSU’s students. After he became a weekly staple in the Exponent last fall, Butters quickly met the likes of other MSU celebs, including Pat Ruler from the MSU Bookstore, Champ the (formerly) beloved Bobcat and his biggest fan, Coolzado. Coolzado explained to the Exponent that the Board of Regents had long been considering re-mascoting the university but were waiting for the right candidate.

“I feel like the whole cat thing is just so played-out, you know?” Coolzado said. “They scratch you for no reason, they ruin your couch and drink your water. Honestly, I was getting so tired of Champ coming over and meowing at me to feed him during football games.” When she caught wind of Butters’ rising popularity on campus, she couldn’t wait to meet the royal dog. “When I first met Butters, well, I just fell in love. At first I thought he was lying down, but then he started running toward me and I knew we needed the stubby-legged little guy on our football field,” she said.

For those who haven’t been on campus to see Butters, here’s a little about MSU’s new and improved mascot.

Born in January of 2020, Butters hails from his home state of California. Like all West Coast pooches, he loves a nice walk on the beach, followed by an açai bowl and some dog-watching downtown. He’s a popular guy among the local ladies, too. “Oh, Butters? Well, yeah I know him. He’s the most handsome corgi I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been around the block a few times,” said Matilda, the poodle who lives down the street from Butters. Butters enjoys the mild California weather and the plethora of outdoor activities it provides. When he’s not basking in the sun by his pool or taking a stroll down to Petco, Butters can be found back in Bozeman on the agility course. Currently in Agility 2.0, Butters is a star in the arena, following his mom, Phoebe’s, every command. His critics say that no dog with 4.5-inch-long legs could possibly be an agility champion, but Butters has some words for the haters. “No obstacle is too big if you put your mind to it. I’m way longer than the other contestants, so I take half the amount of strides they take, anyways. They’re just jealous because I’m so strikingly-handsome,” Butters said. Besides agility training, Butters also enjoys rolling and digging tunnels in fresh powder. He is an avid swimmer and loves throwing on his life jacket and jumping in Fairy Lake on a warm day. Although he is fond of the outdoors, Butters also loves a good nap on his heated blanket and watching his sister, Wonton the Hamster, run on her wheel. “She’s so fast, man. She goes and goes all night long. Sometimes I just grab a bag of lamb and sweet potato treats and watch her spin around until 3 a.m. She’s so fast,” Butters said. He also loves strolling through the Centennial Mall and greeting his fans, but he wishes they had treats more often.

Being named MSU’s next mascot took Butters’ family by surprise, but they’re grateful for the honor. “I’m just so proud of my little bean,” Phoebe Zea, producer of news and fake news for the Exponent and Butters’ mom, said. “When we got the call from Crawdad Coolzado, Butters couldn’t stop his zoomies. I’ve never seen him so ecstatic.” Butters said he never saw it coming, but couldn’t be prouder to represent such a great university. “MSU has become my second home. Everyone loves me, and I look quite dapper in Blue and Gold, so I honestly just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Plus, I can’t wait for my face to be on agendas and pens,” Butters said.

The first thing to be done after the re-mascoting will be removing the sign from Corgi Stadium that currently reads, “Welcome to Bobcat Country.” In its place will be a blue-neon, light-up sign that reads, “Welcome to Corgi Country.” In addition, all MSU merchandise sporting a bobcat logo or the word ‘“bobcat” will be removed from shelves and burned. Over the summer, the stadium field will be repainted to mirror the new mascot, new MSU merchandise will be made and parking lots will be renamed. Spirit the Bobcat, who stands proud in Alumni Plaza, will be torn down in the coming weeks and replaced with a gold statue of Butters in his favorite position, the sploot. Changes also include two new menu items at Miller Dining Commons and Rendezvous Dining Pavilion: the Corgi Pancake and Champ Stew. Stop by during breakfast every day for a corgi-shaped pancake topped with peanut butter and bananas or for a hearty stew steaming with the delicious aroma of Bobcat.

Faced with a sudden rebranding are MSU’s athletics teams, who are currently barred from competition until new uniforms can be made and team cheers rewritten.

“It’s definitely a shock, but my players can’t wait to run the ball down the field with Butters on their back,” said Corgi football head coach Burt Vegan. “They’ve been talking about Butters all year, and are feeling way more confident in getting to the playoffs this year — all because of my boy, Butters.” The Corgi cheerleaders have already learned a new cheer and stunt routine to honor the new mascot. “We call it the sploot and wiggle,” said cheerleader Tracy Plot. “The flyers will be thrown up and caught on their stomach, feet and arms straight out behind them, just like Butters! Then, our whole squad will shake, just like a Corgi butt,” she said.

Although the Exponent chose the Bobcat as MSU’s mascot in 1916 when they “...compiled all the fighting animals they could think of that weren’t already the representatives of another college or university in the area, and eventually they honed in on the bobcat,” said Grace Larsen in a news article from the November 21, 2019 edition of the Exponent, Butters represents the dawn of a new and better era for MSU. The Pembroke Corgi breed hails from Pembrokeshire, Wales, and is traditionally a herding breed. Corgis are known for being tenacious, bold, stubborn and outgoing. The breed is quick on their feet, has ears that can hear for miles, and will steal any onlooker’s heart in an instant. Butters the Corgi is a welcome new addition to the MSU community and is proud to serve Bozeman for years to come. Welcome to Corgi Country.

The Exponent reached out to Champ the Bobcat for comment, but was told that the old cat is now residing in Miller Dining Commons (see page 12 for a warning on the repercussions of eating Bobcat). Everyone here at the Exponent wants to thank Champ for his 105 years of service to MSU and the Bozeman community. “Live” it up in retirement, Champ.