Wizard-related explosion levels east wing of SWC, vaporizes 207

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Earlier last week, the Student Wellness Center’s (SWC) roof caved in not even two years after its grand opening in August 2024 — yes, just like the old fitness center. 

During the incident, the east wing was leveled and 207 students were vaporized. The University Police Department has yet to identify the victims, as their remains have been reduced to ashes. Several eyewitnesses report that the explosion was heard across campus. 

“It rattled the sidewalks,” said Mister Hands, a philosophy professor at MSU. “A piece of rubble bonked me on the head and knocked me out. I woke up on the sidewalk outside Barnard.”

The explosion caused the entire east wing of the SWC to be leveled. A few cars parked on Grant Street were crushed by falling debris, including geoengineering major Slurmp Horse’s Cybertruck. 

“It was a piece of sh-t anyway,” it said.

One unnamed bystander was triggered into stimming by the incident. He proceeded to explode, tallying the death count to 208. 

In the face of death and destruction, MSU’s students and faculty were left with one question: Who would do such a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad thing — and why?

MSU’s College of Magic (COM) was quickly labelled a suspect. 

Based in Watergate Hall, COM was introduced last year so MSU could exploit aspiring wizards, witches and mages for their gemstones. COM is famous for sending carrier pigeons instead of emails and, of course, teaching kids to do magic. 

In response to the allegations, COM released a statement.

“The [COM] isn’t responsible for this,” the department said. “Because we said so.”

However, some reports may offer a different perspective. 

According to eyewitness accounts — including a guy who blew up and was summoned back to the mortal realm to provide post-mortem testimony — an old bearded man dressed in blue robes and a pointy hat was seen perusing the recreation center’s free weight area before the explosion. 

Quandale Dingle, a sophomore studying classical Greek literature who survived the incident, claims the unidentified wizard is at fault. 

“Some twiggy kid, he was taking ages on the leg press, grunting and groaning and everything, and Gandalf over here wanted to use it and got impatient, I guess, so he cast a spell, and boom! The gym is gone,” he said. 

The wizard has not been seen since the incident and is believed to have perished with the other students in the gym. However, he may also have escaped. Nobody knows.

Dingle also said he understood the wizard’s spell, which was uttered in Greek for some reason.

“I’ll remember his words until the day I die,” he said. “‘I cast fire upon thou, O Contraption Hog!’”

Responses to the wizard’s alleged spell were mixed. 

“I just can’t believe that lunk was properly punished,” said MSU Provost Yo Gurt. “That never happens in today’s f-cked up world.”

Estimates say that the extensive damage done to the SWC will cost the University $40 million. Moreover, the building will be closed for repair until at least 2035.  

“We’re going to go freaking bankrupt,” said MSU President Brick Testman. “I knew we should’ve charged more for Bobcat merch. Freak.”

Hands declined to interview about the supposed spell, as he believed that blaming the COM would be discriminatory.

“The wizard might file a Civil Rights complaint,” he said. “And by a Civil Rights complaint, I mean a fireball up my a--.”

However, one of COM’s carrier pigeons overheard Hands express his fear and brought forth a scroll that said: “Refusing to answer for fear of backlash from COM, without prior clarification as to who is responsible for this incident, shows implicit bias in and of itself.” 

Hands’ rectum was promptly incinerated, tallying the death count to 209.

As a result of Hands’ punishment, COM received a punitive funding cut. $20 was deducted from its annual funding.

Despite the harsh punishment, MSU administration is facing significant backlash for allowing magicians to conceal-carry magical items in the first place. 

“The Strand Union Building is a crap show right now,” Testman said. “We’re all tweaking the freak out. Our Tumblr page is a disaster. We might get canceled. No one knows what to do.”

A funeral will be held for the lives lost this Saturday — not including Hands — and everyone is required to attend, including COM’s administration. 

“I’m quitting after the funeral,” Testman said. “F-ck this.”

As families of the students killed in the accident mourn their lost tax assets, this incident serves as a warning to MSU students and faculty: Be careful around wizards and mages. Their tempers are as explosive as their magic.