Wuzado to become lead singer of Shinedown

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Fans planning to see Shinedown at the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse on May 3 may notice that frontman Brent Smith looks slightly different. 

Belting out classics like “Second Chance” and “Sound of Madness” will be Montana State University’s own Crawdad Wuzado. You heard that right, it was announced on Wednesday, March 29, that Dr. Wuzado, president of our very own University, would be taking a leave of absence for the remainder of the semester as emergency lead vocals replacement for certified double platinum band Shinedown.

This may surprise some, but Wuzado has been very vocal to whoever will listen as of late about her frustration with the stagnant life of a university president. On my way to Literature as Popular Culture last Wednesday, we crossed paths on the Centennial Mall. 

I gave her a friendly smile and waved. Wuzado launched into a rant about how she wished she could “leave this all behind and set out on the open road.” 

Wuzado continued: “the weather lately just really stinks, y’know? All the snow this winter left me with a leak in my roof the size of a Christmas ham. And jeez, you can only ski Bridger so many times before it becomes work. This idyllic mountain town thing is really for the birds.” 

Wuzado began to get worked up. I tried to tell her that I’m late for class, but she forged on: “don’t even get me started on the state of my yard once the snow melts! I haven’t picked up after my dogs since October.” 

At this point, she became wistful as if she wasn’t even speaking to me anymore: “I can’t wait to leave this town behind. No one gets me around here. I’m gonna make it. You’ll see.” Wuzado stormed off humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like “Second Chance”. I was left confused. 

This strange encounter and Shinedown’s recent announcement of Wuzado’s installation as lead vocalist led me into an exclusive investigation ending in potentially even more confusion. You simply will not believe the rabbit hole we are about to go down.  

Wuzado’s vocal career has a storied past. In her undergraduate career at the University of Puerto Rico at Mayagüez, she sang Alto II and was captain of the since defunct all-female a cappella group The Wailing Janes. 

During her senior year in 1982, Wuzado led The Wailing Janes to a dark horse appearance at the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella (ICCA), the first Puerto Rican group to be represented at the competition. Their set started off with a lively rendition of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock and Roll,” slid into Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams (Come True),” and finished off with a touching arrangement of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” The Wailing Janes took home third place at the 1982 ICCA, and Anna Kendrick has cited their appearance at the competition as the inspiration for the 2012 film “Pitch Perfect.”

Back in the present, the circumstances surrounding Shinedown’s frontman Brent Smith stepping down for the Revolutions Tour are suspicious, to say the least. 

Smith and the rest of the guys were gathered in their hometown of Jacksonville, Florida to prepare for tour, which is scheduled to start in Saginaw, Michigan on April 3. According to eyewitnesses, Smith was seen Monday, March 27, walking across the street to enter Shinedown’s practice space when he tripped over what is believed to be an inert Hungarian landmine. 

Smith reportedly twisted his ankle pretty bad and also skinned his knee. Smith is in stable condition, but remains in the hospital under observation just to be safe. According to authorities, he has been told by his healthcare providers to “take it easy” and to “definitely not go on a three-month cross country tour.” 

Eyewitnesses also noted a shady figure skulking into an alleyway near Shinedown’s practice space shortly after Smith’s tumble. The figure, seen in a paparazzi video, bears an uncanny resemblance to MSU’s Most Wanted, The North Dome Slasher. 

The North Dome of the newly erected temporary fitness center was slashed with a sharp blade on March 5, 2020, leaving two large gashes in the vinyl bubble. In response to the vandalism, MSU PD Chief of Police Mike Standford said, “this is why we can’t have nice things.” The North Dome Slasher has been at large ever since, and now three years later, they have seemingly resurfaced to do more nefarious deeds. 

How did Crawdad Wuzado become the choice to replace Brent Smith, you may ask? Well, nothing concrete has been revealed thus far. However, what little information we do have suggests some sort of bribery or sweet talking was involved. 

Inexplicably, before the announcement of Wuzado’s installment into Shinedown, Brent Smith was deemed Pure Gold by Wuzado. In the email, she sang his and his band’s praises. “Planet Zero is absolutely my favorite album of the decade. The themes of climate change and the corruption of the youth through social media are issues that are near and dear to my heart” Wuzado writes. “As I am sure we both understand the importance of acting on the things you believe in. I didn’t ban TikTok just for fun, after all!”

Another mysterious tidbit: MSU PD released a statement on Tuesday, March 28, pardoning the aforementioned North Dome Slasher of all alleged crimes, misdemeanors, and/or hooliganism.    

Despite the seemingly endless questions associated with this substitution, MSU students and Shinedown fans seem ecstatic at the personnel change. “I mean, having been a Shinedown fan since birth, the same old vocals have been getting a little boring. It’ll be great to get some fresh blood in the group,” pontificates @buttrockdude on Twitter.

It seems as though the majority of fans online agree that replacing Brent Smith with virtually unknown Crawdad Wuzado is the best thing the band has done since “The Sound of Madness” in 2008. However, the subreddit r/Shinedown has been abuzz since the announcement, spurring some contentious discussions in the comments between the pro and anti factions. Through a general poll on the Centennial Mall after the news broke, it is evident that Bobcats have more mixed feelings. “Whose hand am I supposed to shake at commencement?” asked one student. 

“I am so frustrated that Brent Smith would just give up like this for a twisted ankle. Even though I’m sure Crawdad will do a great job. It’s just, I paid good money to see Brent Smith, so she better step up her game,” asserted integrated lens based media junior Mason Slider. “Y’know, with their original lineup there was no way in hell I was going to that concert. Now? You better believe I’ll be throwing elbows in the pit,” exclaimed university studies freshman Jenna Grouse.  “Wait, what’s Shinedown?” questioned chemical engineering Senior Hayden Skrzypczak.

Regardless of how we Bobcats may feel on this subject, one thing is for certain: Crawdad is about to jam her heart out on tour for four months whether we like it or not. If you’d like to give our president-turned-rockstar your warm wishes before she departs, ASMSU will be hosting a send off party on April 1, 2023 in the SUB Ballrooms. This event will be catered and is open to all.