Eyes on a trophy, athletics adds summer curling

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

After years of begging, months of waiting and the recent upset over Bobcat Athletics failing to be successful on the national stage, MSU announced its newest varsity sport with an unexpected twist. Typically a winter sport — and only seen during the Winter Olympics — curling is one of the most unwatched and unappreciated sports. However, MSU felt confident in its choice to add a curling team, with a shocking twist that nobody saw coming. In hopes of drawing a crowd and separating itself from the depressing winter sport, the curling team will compete in the summer. 

Leo Constellation, director of athletics at MSU, has a lot of hope for the future of summer curling, “It’s extremely exciting to know that we have a new sport for student-athletes to participate in. Dotty Moodatty is an excellent coach and we look forward to seeing the success Moodatty brings.” When asked if he will attend any competitions this summer, Constellation replied humbly, “Not at all. Have you seen curling on TV? Exactly, because everyone turns it off.”

Moodatty, a two-time curling champion, was surprised when she was selected as head coach. “I mean, I’ve been curling all my life. I know how to make tight curls, loose curls, even beach wave curls, so this is very exciting for me. I have heard that a lot of guys and girls will be trying it out this summer, and I can’t wait to see their talent.”

Due to curling being a summer event, it is important to note that this sport will take place on waxed floors instead of ice. Sweepers will be required to attend a broom fitting after tryouts and will be required to inform Moodatty of any wood-related allergies. All tryouts are set to happen at Worthington Arena on Friday, April 1, and practices will begin on Monday, April 4. The first competition is set for April 12, however, this date is subject to change as MSU encourages other universities to join in so the curlers are not playing each other.

“I mean, I think this will be a lot of fun,” Mckinney Mack, a student at MSU, said. “I personally think curling is really cool to watch and I actually understand it. I don’t think coach Moodatty understands curling a ton though,” she said. “If we get enough people we can for sure make a game out of it, and I mean at this rate, we might even win a championship before any other MSU teams.”

The new addition to Bobcat Athletics seems to have some potential and will blossom in the next week as students flock to tryouts. While the rumor has not been confirmed, it is possible sweepers on the curling team will be compensated as they play due to their constant cleaning of the arena court.