Tom Brady renounces retirement in favor of Bobcat football

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Once again, Tom Brady, or as he is referred to in Boston, Lord Thomas Edward Patrick Brady II, has renounced retirement in favor of a return to the gridiron. Amid rumors swirling that he would continue his NFL career in Miami, Brady has surprised both die-hard experts and casual fans alike by announcing his intentions to play for the Montana State Bobcats in 2023.

“I’m excited to come back to college football. It’s just the right move for me at this point in my career,” Brady said during a recent press conference. “Coach Bigen and President Wuzado have both been great throughout the entire process. Especially Wuzado. She’s been great,” Brady exclaimed.

Wuzado seems quite excited to have recruited Brady, saying, “His arm is really going to help out around here.”

A number of FCS teams-especially those in the Big Sky Conference- have already entered formal protests in opposition of this MSU roster move. In an open letter to Big Sky Conference leadership, rival schools called the move, “A open and naked disgrace that flies in the face of both NCAA regulations and the spirit of competition itself. Also, he’s 45. It’s kind of creepy, in all honesty.”

Biggus Skyus IV, president and operating manager of the conference, responded to the letter, saying, “My father, Biggus Skyus III, and his father, Biggus Skyus II, believed in the undying fires of competition, and would be proud to have a premier force such as Sir Brady taking the field. As a matter of fact…” (the rest of Skyus’ interview was utterly unintelligible due to his thick English accent).

“I don’t know about all that, but I do know how great his arm is looking,” Wuzado said in response to the accusations from the Big Sky Conference.

Vrent “Maybe-Not PETA approved” Bigen, head coach of the Montana Bobcats, was overjoyed to add Brady to the roster, saying, “Those schools in the Dakotas can take their defenses and shove them *&^%$ *&^%*&& and then (*^^()*** before ((((&%^$&”.

Current starting quarterback Mommy Tellot was less than thrilled at the prospect of competing with Brady for the QB1 job. “He can’t run particularly well. Maybe I have a shot?” Tellot commented.

There has been buzz around the concept of moving Tellot into a running-back position, given his propensity to drive down the field with little more than his legs and guile.

When Vrent “Grizzly-Eater '' Bigen was asked how Tellot’s role would change as a result of the move, he said, “Tellot is still going to have a vital role in the team’s structure. The right side of the bench isn’t going to warm itself.”

“Brady’s arm is just great,” Wuzado said, with a twinkle in her eye. Wuzado was seen continually rubbing Brady’s elbows during his introductory press conference.

“Just making sure everything is where it’s supposed to be,” Wuzado said with a laugh when asked about it. Wuzado’s Wikipedia article makes specific mention of her tendency to touch people’s elbows when conversing (this is 100% true, you can look it up), leading to some questions to arise. Not to worry- the Excrement’s top investigators, the very same ones who uncovered the Great Cheeseburger Scandal of ‘93, have been put to the task.

REPRINT-BREAKING NEWS EDIT

It has come out that millions of dollars of student tuition were offered to Brady in an under-the-table contract to play for MSU. The Excrement has investigated the contract and discovered a number of clauses related to Brady’s elbows, including a stipulation outlining that Wuzado be allowed to touch Brady’s elbows at least once a week.

Due to these accusations Wuzado has issued an apology via Youtube, a tearful affair that has a runtime of 27 minutes. “I was simply dazzled by ‘dem bows,” she said in the video, referencing Brady’s elbows.

Brady has denied any and all knowledge of the contract, which bore both his signature and wax seals imprinted with each of his Super Bowl Rings.