Cruzaldo al Gaib brings holy war to campus

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

After last year’s bid by MSU to start a sandworm racing team was blocked by the NCAA — who cited a lack of fan interest in their official decision — Wazaldo Cruzaldo has seemingly doubled down on her efforts to bring the world of “Dune” to campus.

Cruzaldo gave what appeared to be some sort of unannounced press conference on the Centennial Mall. Beckoning students to gather around, she launched into a tirade.

“My name is Wazaldo Atreides, Duke of Arrakis,” she said. It is worth noting that Cruzaldo’s official title is President of MSU and not Duke of Arrakis.

The following portion of the speech was given in a language that sounded like Chakobsa, the language of the Fremen. This press conference has not been the only example of strange behavior exhibited by Cruzaldo in recent weeks.

When asked about her recent attempt to ride the Chump the Bobcat mascot, using two large hooks, she simply responded: “The water of life must flow.”

Days after this comment, Chump’s body was found in the Duck Pond. It has been widely speculated that Cruzaldo murdered him in an attempt to create “the water of life,” a secretion sandworms produce when drowned.

Although the ducks have begun eating the body beneath the costume, Cruzaldo has presently blocked all attempts to recover it, decrying as much as “blasphemy against Shai-Hulud.”

“It’s rather disturbing, actually,” said an anonymous MSU administrator. “She keeps asking me to wear a Chani wig, and said she’d fire me if I refused. I don’t actually know where she got the hair. There’s no branding or tag or anything. I think there’s a legitimate chance this is Zendaya’s actual hair.”

MSU Spokesperson Mike-Rautha Beckonnen — who recently underwent a legal name change and completely shaved his head — provided the University’s official position regarding Cruzaldo’s recent behavior.

“Well, ah, MSU is always a changing and, you know, rather dynamic landscape. And this University sees that the best way forward is by seizing the imperial power of the Golden Lion Throne,” he said. Beckonnen has since split all diplomatic ties between his office and Cruzaldo’s.

Cruzaldo has reportedly begun attempting to recruit students into her Fedaykin ranks, telling them little more than that they should be ready to “liberate Arrakis.”

It is worth noting that in the film, Paul Atredies used atomic weapons during the climactic battle in order to “liberate Arrakis.” A look at recent University accounting reveals that almost the entirety of the school’s budget in the past two weeks has been used to purchase large quantities of plutonium-239. It is unclear if MSU has the infrastructure to keep it from decaying and leaking radiation all over campus.

After a string of student visits to the Student Wellness Center for bright red burns covering their bodies, the Department of Physics has recommended that students buy stronger sunscreen.

“No matter,” said Beckonnen when asked about the stockpile. “The Atreides are, as we say in the nomenclature, cowards. And they, ah, as it happens sometimes, they will die in the dark.”

“I don’t want to die in the dark,” said one of Beckonnen’s interns.

“We will lead them to paradise and out of this desert wasteland,” Cruzaldo said. Bozeman, contrary to her statement, is located in a mountain forest and is not a desert.

It is believed by many that Cruzaldo will launch her proposed “attack” sometime in the coming weeks. She encouraged all members of the MSU community — experienced Fremen soldiers and newcomers alike — to participate.

“It’s, well frankly, it’s really about the sense of community,” Beckonnen said. “That battlefield, it, well, it’s really going to bring everyone together.”

To learn more about what the f*ck is happening, don’t. Just don’t. Holy war is going to spread like unquenchable fire. Killing in the name of her father, millions of people shouting her name —

Because of this article, the Exponent Editorial Staff has decided to fire the Sweet ‘N Sour Bandit at the end of the year. We would like to take this moment to offer a sincere apology. Ya hya chouhada.